My existent love life (I thought was non-existent) PART 6

Previously called 'Non-existent love life' series, but changed it since I, somehow, got myself a guy. It's been a little over a year and thought I'd give you a little update (or actually myself, since I'm probably just talking to myself right here lol).

Soooo, a lot happened. Been there, done that. We went from; break ups, to kiss-and-makeups, to long distance relationship, to falling in love all over again to 'do I even love you anymore?' you name it. Since I want to spare you the details, Imma just briefly tell you what happened, and give a small reflection of what I've learnt from it.

Come to think of it, I kinda matured, since the first 'non-existent love life' series, that was 3 years ago and holy cow, can't believe this blog is already marking its 4th year anniversary :O (first post was on July 14th, 2015). Okay, enough of that, let's start the series, ready, set, action!

Whew, where do I even begin... I just wanna say, the last part in Part 5 was so cringy, holy shit. I couldn't even finish reading what I wrote last year, without dying from all the cheesiness x_x.

The first few months (or in our case maybe even days) are truly the lovey-dovey honeymoon phase. You can't seem to find any wrongs in your partner. Even if you do, you brush it off. It's honestly awful, because it's not the reality. Things start to get real when the (for us) 1 year kicks in. Even before that, our relationship didn't start off that well.

Around the end of July 2018 (before our 1st month anniversary) we got into a fight about politics. We found out we had opposite views and parties regarding how a country should be managed. Not just him, his entire family has 1 politics party which they support, which I do not, and vice versa.

That made me uncomfortable, and although he told me 'It's not that serious', 'I don't really pay attention to it, I'm just following my parents'. It didn't help to ease my distressed mind. So that was fight number one.

Soon after, he broke a promise in mid-august, a couple of weeks after we made up, so we fought again. And so on. After numerious fights in the following months I'm just thinking 'Is this normal?', 'do other new couples fight this much in their honeymoon stage?' it just gets really exhausting.

We did have our good times and dates, during December for example, where I celebrated Christmas at his house and him New Year's Eve at mine. But things didn't stay rose-colored for too long.

The final straw came in February 2019, a couple of weeks before I left to study in Korea for 4 months. We fought about something (can't really remember what) and during that time we didn't talk. This went on for a couple of days, and in the meantime, I felt lonely and sad, and decided to unload my troubles to a project group mate (we were all in the same project group for 1 semester), a good friend of a guy I used to like (also in the same project group). I just told him what's bothering me, and I'm just not sure about my boyfriend anymore.

I was already thinking about a breakup. And as if things couldn't get worse; the good friend/project group mate told me the guy I used to like, actually liked me back. But he never told me (I confessed to him before in an online game, but he just went silent so I took it as a silent rejection and went on with life). According to him (which I heard from his good friend), when I confessed I said 'I liked you'. Liked. Past Tense. So not anymore, and since I was getting along really well with my current boyfriend at that time (just friends back then), he assumed I liked [my current boyfriend]. Which was an idiotic assumption but I was to blame, too.

Whenever I like a guy, I start to get cold, distant and kinda like playing hard-to-get. While with the guys I just see as friends, I will be friendly and nice. So, I give off the wrong signals:( I don't know how to fix this..

I wanted to be honest with my boyfriend, and told him I was really confused at what I heard from a good friend of the guy I used to like (maybe secretly still like, never stopped liking.. but as of writing this right now, I don't want to date him anymore, that time is over). Along with this info bomb and the fact that we just fought, again, it probably sounded to him that I liked the first guy more and so he decided it was better to break up (because of the fights, and him not wanting to be the 'back-up guy').

Many tears later (from both sides), I decided to delete the guy I used to like off social media. Got a self-help book and within 1 week, we decided to kiss-and-make-up. I realized I still love my boyfriend, wanted to work on fighting less and didn't want to make him feel like a back-up man. And he still loves me too. That's how we entered the long distance relationship episode. But it went really well, although there were many cute guys in Korea, and I suspected some of them liking me, I didn't stray and stayed loyal to my current boyfriend.

After 4 months, it felt like a honeymoon stage all over again. But soon after, let's say maybe 3 months or so, we got in some quarrels. But I must admit, they're solved faster and more efficient than before. I suppose our communication has improved, since that was all we had during those 4 months.

Fast forward to right now... Do I still feel the same way? maybe. At the moment, I'm in the 'do I even love you anymore?' phase, and it's not fun:( I'm trying to get out of it, maybe I'm just in a temporarily slump. Meanwhile my Omegle-therapist kept telling me to 'rip the band-aid off' and end things because it seems like it's nearing dead end (mainly because we broke up before). But I just... I can't. I don't want to cut him out of my life like that, it happened before and it hurts like a bitch. I just want to wait it out a bit longer, see how I feel (it's different from dragging it out, I still have feelings for him but not as strong, I'm working on getting those back).

We did have a talk about the fact that sometimes I see him as more of a good/best friend rather than the boyfriend-type, maybe because we don't really flirt through text but send memes instead(we are, in fact in a long distance relationship in our own country still and see each other 1-2 times a week). So who knows what the future has in store for us.