Non-existent love life PART 3!

You're probably wondering, where's part 2? Well, it used to exist, but I archived it because I felt uncomfortable when rereading what I wrote half a year ago.-. and things have changed since then.

I'm not even sure why I'm starting a part 3, since the craziness from half a year ago boiled down. There's still a bit, but not much. It feels like a calm before the storm. Before shit goes down, but I don't know when and where. Or maybe I do know where:^)

Anyways, in the 3rd series I'd like to talk about...guyfriends. Never really had them (unless a online therapist-guyfriend counts). Never really knew I needed one irl either. However, I noticed something, thanks to earning a guyfriend. They're much more willing to do something for you. While with your fav girlfriends, they're, well they're good to have too, at least they get where you're coming from and could give you advice from a girl's PoV.

Maybe it's because having guyfriends is so foreign to me. I used to depend on myself a lot, but with them, I don't have to do that as much as I used to. While it's nice to have someone like that in your life (I don't even know, maybe this only applies to the guyfriend I recently made, 'cuz everyone is different), it makes you lose independence.

Which is a frightening thing.

What if they decided one day, that they don't want to be friends anymore? that they just walked out of your life like that? that built-up trust, crumbled walls are bound to leave you invulnerable, hurt.

I should note, it could be the other way around, me leaving him. Because I'm a horrible person and for whatever reason cut contact. That doesn't change the fact I hurt someone. A real person with real feelings. Not some otome guy character that you could get rid of once you delete the app.

It's strange how I never had these thoughts with my girlfriends. These things rarely occured to me. I just naively assumed our friendship was forever. But recently, that changed. I'm not blaming them. I'm not the best friend out there, taking a long time to reply, flaking when a hang out is scheduled. And in return, I deserve the treatment I did to them. It hurts of course, I should really be a better friend.

There's this fear, that I give too much and receive too little in return. It happened before, and it sucks if history repeats itself. That's why my strategy is to act aloof, but under that act of aloofness, hides a caringness only a select people get to see. It saddens me when I opened up, thinking it's the right person, turns out to just be like the rest. And that little 'opening-up' I did went in vain. It feels like they're taking something for granted without realizing so. And it sucks. It sucks how I can't tell them what I really think, to express what I really feel. Instead of saying what they are expecting me to say. I slammed the door to many people, and I don't think it'll ever stop.

I hope I am giving a chance to broaden my worldview and go study abroad. See more of the world, of human interactions. Maybe I can blend in with the rest, stop feeling like a special snowflake, an uniq unicorn. But still staying true to my thoughts, and essentially myself.

Not sure where I wanted to go with this. I used to describe more detailed events, as you could read in part 1. I think I'm just paranoid, afraid that someone who knows me will someday stumble on this blog. Or in my carelessness share the link under my 'real' name.