Non-existent love life PART 5! (Spoilers: it exists!)

Hellohello world~~

I'm back at it again and oh boi do I have a lot to tell you. I don't even know where to start (as always OTL). Let's see...it all started at the beginning of July in 1871...

The end of the semester neared. When you asked me at the start of the semester how I would feel about the end and finally embracing a summer break, I would say 'I'd be overjoyed' 'Glad I survived 4 months in hell'.

However, my view drastically changed at the moment I started to like him (back in march-ish). No, that's a lie. It didn't really change that much, but I would get a bit of a bittersweet feeling when thinking about the end. What would happen to us afterwards?

It made me scared, especially since we won't be in the same class ever again, our internship starts after the summer and I will likely study abroad in february 2019. That also explains my (slightly melodramatic) 'since our futures aren't aligned' part from the previous post. That's why I pushed him away, and it hurts to think about reality keeping us apart. So that's why I didn't want to act on my feelings.

I would say, if my life was a book, the climax began at the beginning of july (or maybe around 20 June-ish). On 20 June, I wrote him an encrypted message with a key that he would never guess (generated from a random word generator). In that encrypted message, I spilled all my feelings, all my jealous moments, all my pain, the wish to cut all ties... It was a heartfelt message I never dared to say in front of him, or more like, never wanted him to know. But I had to. I needed to step out of my comfort zone. I was so so scared.

So when he was unable to decrypt the message, he started guessing. Because of my immense fear (of rejection since it has been a few months since he confessed and he might not feel the same anymore), I didn't dare to give him the key. It was just weeks later, after someone 'pushed' me to be brave that I handed him the key. But I did threaten him if he would ever read what's inside, I would ignore him, delete him from all social media networks, block him and never hang out with him anymore. That made him afraid of what's inside, so he didn't read it. Even when I encouraged him to.

That's when, at the beginning of july we had insomnia and were texting at night. The semester was officially over now so we had no reason to see each other. We talked about outer world subjects, history and just random things. Somehow the message came up again when I told him if he would read the encrypted message this friday, it'll be over between us. Whatever we had going between us anyways.

He did not see any reason for us to stop hanging out together. I told him everything will fall into place when he reads it. He asked me what's inside and if he should read it right now since he had insomnia anyways.

Afterwards I veryyy hesitantly asked him... Do you still remember what you told me 3 months ago? ... do you still feel the same? I was trying to feel him, if he still likes me so I could bring up what's inside.

Howeverr, he replied agitatedly with a 'That again? can't we just stay friends? share memes?' And that's when something broke inside of me. I left the messenger chat afterwards (we were in a Discord channel, just us 2) telling him I needed 1 day to clear my head, because it's pretty obvious by now he didn't feel the same anymore, I fucked up and it hurt so bad.

Whenever I read in books where the love interest of the protagonist leaves and how her 'heart shattered in million pieces', I finally realize how she felt. It hurts so so bad.

Back to the story, when I told him I needed 1 day to clear my head, it was my intention to leave for good.

The day after (I barely slept) I was miserable. I tried with all my might to forget him, erase him and all of our stupid meaningless memories together (that's what I convinced myself). Because it was useless to hang onto something that never existed.

Only when evening arrived (it was the day we usually decide to listen to a podcast together) after the podcast he PM'ed me (I hadn't blocked him yet, I was planning to after the friday he'd read the encrypted message). He told me how he read my encrypted message and how guilty/sorry he felt. I was like oh no. So now that he readed it, this will be rejection number 2 right OTL.

I was bracing myself for the worst, just like what happened last night. But his reply surprised me biiig time. I will give you a quick tl;dr: He still felt the same, but since I told him back in april he should give up since we won't work out and since he still thought I liked guy 1 (from my previous post) he tried to get rid of his feelings.

7 July 2018 marked the day of our official relationship

It's not easy. We get in occassional fights, despites our similarities we don't agree on everything. Aside from that, he's the one I like, he's the one I love (haven't told him yet, I felt like it was more meaningful to do so in real life but he did confess already over text/voice call), and I made a mistake with guy 1.

It's not about looks, how kind someone is, how helpful someone is. It's about compatibility. How comfortable you feel with a person. And that was never guy 1. It has always been guy 2.

Not all stories end up with the main leads, it's time for the 2nd male lead to shine.

Since I have yet to tell him I love him, I shall post it here first;

Hey, if you happen to read this, I just wanna tell you

I love you, too ❤

Will this be the end of 'non-existent love life' series? No, but I will change it to 'my existent love life (I thought was non-existent)