Non-existent love life PART 4!

Whooo, I'm on a roll with these series cx

When I was in highschool, I was obsessed with Korean Dramas. I love the drama, the cliché, the love triangles; basically things that I never imagined would happen to me. Plus, I'm a hopeless romantic x)

>> Fast forward 8 years later >> and I'm finding myself in the middle of a Korean drama. I just..asdfghjkl. When I talked about the calm before the storm 5 months ago, I wasn't lying. When things died down around september 2017, it was eerily calm. A bad omen for what would happen to me from february 2018 onwards.

Like, I was expecting my life to be normal. Our college classes got separated and new classes were arranged. I was confident I would get paired with my friends from my major, since they chose the same courses. Oh boi was I wrong. Turns out the school paired my friends/classmates with each other and left me to die in a class where I knew NO ONE. On top of that, the entire class consisted of GUYS. I KID YOU NOT.

So I was internally/externally freaking out. My guyphobia reached a dangerous bloody red level and I just felt so hopeless. Like a dark void. An endless tunnel with no light in sight. Worse of all, the mail we received with the arranged classes stated that switching class was out of the question. Needlessly to say, I felt imprisoned.

There weren't many students that chose my major either. The class consisted 90% of software engineers:( The first few days were a living hell. Guys either threw me strange looks or acted extra friendly and nice, teachers who were singling me out... Tbh, I just wanted to skip this entire semester and stay home, safely tucket under my blankets.

But I knew that I would never change. That I would never step out of my comfort zone. That I would always be the same shy (still am), scaredy-cat. If I wanted to leave a mark, I knew I had to get this over with.

That's when the teacher made teams to work on a project until the end of the semester (which is 4 months). I got placed in a team where everyone knew each other. Great. Just great. So le me trying to look approachable and fit in, ended up roasting their arses the first project day at the office. Oh I just love my social awkwardness self sometimes OTL

Luckily, I'm now roasting them less but the damage has been done. I don't know what they think of me and I feel more insecure than ever. Besides, I have this soap opera situation that I am/was in (and here comes the korean drama part) where I roasted a guy that I actually liked, let's call him guy 1. Meanwhile I befriended another guy (guy 2) and we hung out a lot. I saw him as a great friend where I could confide in with all my first world problems.

But I guess I might've send out the wrong signals, because when I told him I liked guy 1, he became eerily quiet. And I didn't know what was going on. I was in my own bubble; being glad that I could fangirl over guy 1 with my good ol' pal guy 2.

Not a day later and...guy 2 told me he likes me. I just. I was speechless. As an oblivious, naive, socially awkward human being I wasn't expecting this at all. So the gears were turning in my head and everything became clear.

Whenever I fangirled over guy 1 with guy 2 he became quiet because he actually likes me... I gave props how he could still hang out with me afterwards like nothing happened while maybe internally he was hurting. He is a good person and he has a good heart. I salute him for that. And it just reminds me how much of a rotten person I am.

Fast forward again, to 1 month after the drama. So what happened is that I've been acting distant. To both of them. To everyone actually. I need to sort things out. Life hasn't been particularly easy. When life gives me lemons, I'm not skilled enough yet to make lemon juice. But I'm working on it. To become a better person, each and everyday.

I told guy 1 that I used to like him. My feelings have changed. Guy 2 has succeeded in getting me to like him. I told him in a weird curve-ball way. That I didn't like guy 1 anymore and that he could guess where this is going. However, at the same time I didn't think 'we' 'us' would work out, since our futures aren't aligned. We're not on the same page. No matter how much I like him, feelings won't matter. It's the sad reality.

People change. And I don't know if things would ever be the same between us. Shit happened. Been there, done that. I wish, from the depths of my heart, that we could work things out. Maybe even be together. But I can't tell him. I won't. It hurts. I...

Is this what I get for being a rotten person? Then I accept. I accept all the bad things -no matter how much they hurt me, no matter how much I will suffer- that will happen to me until I redeemed myself to be a good person.

Will all things end well? Will I get my happily ever after and redeem myself as a good person?

Find out in the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

A.k.a. see you in the next series. I guess drama would die down by then. It's always a rollercoaster of ups and downs in my life.

x